Having a home office in a spare bedroom has posed many

challenges since the pandemic has started.

Fortunately, being in the right phase of reopening will mean

I will have to take matters into my own hands to make sure I am not

surprised by the Reopening Police when the government allows me to

reopen.

To make sure I’m doing this right I have written a Plan for

Reopening my Home Office, taking into consideration the Government’s

Guidance Rules.

Here is the Protocol

1. Employees (meaning me) who can work from home are

encouraged to do so. Since my bedroom office is very much attached to the

rest of the apartment, I should be able to do this. There are times, however,

when I have headed to the kitchen for a snack and I will wear a mask when

going to the fridge.

2. All employees reporting to work will have a non-contact

temperature check upon entering the office. I haven’t been anyplace in

eight weeks, but I have a non-contact temperature device. I tried it once and

I was normal. Some of my colleagues, I’m sure, would doubt that, but they

aren’t referring to my temperature.

3. Any employee who is sick or not feeling well is required to

stay home. As long as there is food in the kitchen, I am okay with this.

4. A second temperature check will be conducted in the

afternoon.

I haven’t done anything in the afternoon for eight weeks, so I should

be able to squeeze this in, as long as it doesn’t interfere with my nap.

5. Any employee who is sick or not feeling well is required to

stay home. A piece of cake.

6. Common work areas such as the staff kitchen, coffee station

and lounge area will be restricted in use. Here, I have a problem.

I don’t know how I’m going to restrict use of my kitchen. It is one of

my favorite places. And if all my clothes didn’t suddenly get tighter, I

would show you a picture that proved that I have never ignored my

kitchen.

Furthermore, government rules state the use of the microwave

coffee machines, etc., are restricted. Here’s the kicker: Use of these

appliances is restricted to two times a work period. If I read this correctly, I

can only use my coffee machine twice a day.

The solution to this is obvious: I will re-define my work period to

two hours at a time, which should keep me sufficiently infused with

caffeine. I once tried to talk to someone who hadn’t had a cup of coffee.

He talked so slow that he couldn’t finish the conversation within the

allotted time.

7. All conversations must be held while participants are six

feet apart. This will be a challenge.

Since my conversations are held via the internet, I measured out

where I have to be to be in compliance with this. Six feet from my computer

will put me either out in a parking lot or standing up on a dresser, three

feet off the ground. Now, the parking lot isn’t so bad because someone has

just placed a basketball hoop in it, giving me a chance to practice

free throws instead of rolling my eyes at each inane thought my colleagues

have.

On the other hand, standing on a dresser would pose a problem

because my sense of balance is not what it was. On the dresser, I

would have to place my feet between an array of photo equipment and

a stack of CDs. One false step and I’m on the floor buried under a

stack of my favorite music. While that would make for a great picture,

I’m not sure my health insurance would believe how I got a broken

ankle.

8. Use of the on premises restroom will require the user to thoroughly

sanitize the restroom before and after each use. This includes sanitizing

all handles, countertops, doors and anything else contacted. This is not

something I would jump on.

Constipation never looked so good.